Bouncing Back From Divorce
By Taleinna Simon

Regardless of how things appear, life is not over. With every ending there’s a new beginning. Allow God to be Jehovah-Jireh in your life.

So, your marriage didn’t work out? You’re not alone. According to studies completed in February 2007, over 50% of first marriages end in divorce. The numbers are higher for second and third marriages. Christian’s are not exempt from these statistics and being saved doesn’t make divorce hurt any less. For most couples divorce represents failure, even if it was mutually agreed upon. Picking up the pieces and starting over is an arduous task. Where do you begin? How do you rebuild from broken dreams and unmet expectations?

The first step in the recovery process is allowing yourself time to re-group (this is still true if you did a table dance when the finalized documents arrived!). The fact is, regardless of how you feel about your ex-spouse, you will at some point become saddened about the loss. It’s during this time that you need to acknowledge the pain, and allow yourself to experience it. Trying to pretend that you’re the epitome of strength doesn’t fool anyone but you. While re-grouping, it’s important to stay in touch with God, friends and family. Isolation is dangerous and can lead to a serious form of depression. Constructive discussion about your feelings will assist with the healing process. Please understand that it takes time to bounce back from a major loss, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re re-grouping takes longer than someone else. Studies show that the average person takes 1 to 3 years to recover emotionally. Take comfort in knowing that the pain won’t last forever, and it’s okay to have a few kicking and screaming episodes if you need too! (Just make sure that nobody’s watching.)

When you start to feel better it’s time to reflect. After all, you need to understand what happened in order to move on. What were the things that ultimately ended your relationship? Were there red flags that you simply overlooked? Furthermore, how did you contribute? When a spouse decides that he/she wants a divorce it’s rarely a surprise. The signs show up long before the papers are filed. Reflection helps you to see beyond what happened and discover why it happened. It’s from here that you are able to begin the tough self-evaluation that is necessary to avoid making the same mistakes.

Once you understand what happened, it’s time to forgive and let go. Forgive your former spouse for the things that he/she did or did not do. You may find this to be extremely difficult, especially if the wounds are deep. The bible states in Ephesians 4:31-32: Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you. (Message) Forgiveness is never about the other individual, it’s about you. It doesn’t mean that you are excusing what has been done. Rather, you are choosing to discontinue nursing the anger that developed. Being able to forgive paves the way to letting go. In order to let go you must stop making emotional investments in the relationship (anger is an emotional investment). This may involve getting rid of things around the house that remind you of your ‘ex’ such as pictures, furniture, and wedding memorabilia. Accepting that the relationship is over forces you to focus your attention on what lies ahead.
To read more about this article, purchase the February 2008 Issue.